Motherhood:
Letting there be less of me
so there might be more of you.
Making myself smaller
so that there’s room for you to grow.
In that lessening,
my heart grows with you.
Larger and more wonderous
every day.
Motherhood, a poem
Tag: Parenting
This Has Been My TED Talk: Children’s Bodily Autonomy
Alright so I wrote this back in October and it’s taken me this long to pay it. Why? Honestly, I was afraid of the shit talking backlash I’d get from people. Let’s all just go into this with mutual respect and understanding that we all have our own opinions and plans for childrearing, okay? Sweet. Let’s do this.
There’s this bizarre idea in our culture that children don’t have the right to be considered real people. That they shouldn’t get a say in what happens to them and that they don’t have rights over their bodies. I don’t know where that came from but it is so bizarre to me.
Like… No, my kid does not get a say in what time she goes to bed because for her age and developmental stage that is what is appropriate and what has proven for her to be best for her general well-being during the course of the day. However, even in things where she doesn’t get much of a choice, I still give her as much say in it as possible. I take her feelings and thoughts into consideration.
I let her make decisions where I’m able to because if kids aren’t given the chance to learn how to make good decisions then they never figure out how to, and then they start adulthood out with the expectation that they should be able to do these things because they are adults when nobody ever bothered to teach them how.
For example, my daughter had to change occupational therapists a few months ago from the one that she’d been seeing for many many months. Her new OT is good but my daughter just didn’t take to the change and has been very resistant to the therapies since. So much so that not much therapy gets done. After her last appointment she told me that she didn’t want to do OT anymore and I thought about it and was like, “you know, maybe you’re right. Maybe it is time to take a little bit of a break.”
Taking her thoughts, opinions, and considerations into mind instead of just saying, “no this is what’s good for you you’re going to do it whether you like it or not” allowed me to see the situation from her perspective. And from the perspective of her desperately frustrated OT.
Bless you, Autumn.
Our kids are people. We are not raising children, we are raising adults, right? We don’t want them to still be children when they go out into the world, we want them to be healthy in mind, emotion, and body as adults. But if we don’t give them those opportunities, then we fail as parents in our ultimate goal: to raise them to be established adults.
I know this has been a bit of a ramble so thanks for sitting through it with me.
This has been my TED talk.
A New Game That’s Brought Us Together: A PKXD Review
So Little Maxwell is always asking if she can download this new game or that new app. I’m pretty particular about what kinds of games I won’t let her play. For example, I don’t let her play the “match-three” style of games like Bejeweled or Candy Crush. Is Bejeweled even still a thing?
She got an ad for another game in one of the apps she was playing one day and begged me to download it. I checked it out and agreed but under one stipulation: she only played with me. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the fact that it’s a sort of social game that doesn’t have the option of offline play. The game is called PK XD.
Hopping in to the game, I was blasted with the neon and sheer… Well. Childishness. It definitely is made with it’s target audience in mind. It’s bright and accentuated with catchy music and sound effects. There are regular community events and an arcade of mini games that allows each player the opportunity to collect in-game currencies without having to spend real money. In fact there are quite a few opportunities to do so which I was rather pleased with. The game has admins that regularly run my paces through the two floating islands that the PKXD universe consists of.
As for communicating with other players, there are predetermined, pre-selected scripts and responses, even Emojis with sound effects like laughing or crying, that the player can select but speaking freely with players one-on-one outside of that doesn’t seem like an option that is commonly used if even available. I found myself put at ease a little more by this realization. Little Maxwell isn’t really reading fluently yet but I doubt it will be a long. I like knowing that anyone she might become friendly with in-game is relegated to the many, though very PG, communications.
The more I played with her, the more I’ve come to really enjoy the game itself. What I love the most though is the fun and engaging quality time that I get to spend with my daughter now, doing something that we both really enjoy together! As a gaming family, we are all often enjoying the latest video game, table top or board game. But, though they may enter set with other family members like when I play Diablo with my sisters and Dad and Minecraft with my brother and bestie hetero life partner, those don’t always necessarily include little Maxwell or her dad. So it’s always nice when we have a game that we can play together especially when it’s one that she so adamantly enjoys.
It’s very easy to add each other 2 your friends list and once you are linked as friends, the game gives you the opportunity to jump in to the servers that your online friend is playing from so you can literally play together. We have had a very big time helping each other decorate our houses and bouncing around the parkour Pet Week course. Visiting other people’s homes to see how they’ve decorated as well. The game boasts a sort of trophy/achievement system by way of stickers that can be collected from literally anywhere and anything. Today, I unlocked a hidden sticker no I received by drinking milk 10 separate days. Another I got from adding items to my house or even finding hidden pets throughout the world.
While it isn’t the most graphically complex game I’ve ever played, I can definitely recommend PK XD or anyone looking for something to do with their kids that don’t be mind-numbingly dull. There is no end to different events, achievements, and fun things to do when you’re spending time with the people you love.
What do you think? Are you going to give PK XD a try with your little ones anytime soon? Let me know what you think in the comments!
With Peace and Passion,
Ta!
A Birthday Fundraiser For Lymphoma!
My dad is going through radiation treatment for Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma right now. He just started to lose his hair and it’s been a really hard road for him this year. We’re Tennessee natives and it would really mean a lot for our community to show up for the good for him right now. Our family is very close and so my parents don’t have many wants so instead of raising money for them directly, I’d like to do this fundraiser my birthday this year. If you would like to donate to them directly for his treatments or needs, however, Venmo to @CMcRey. Thank you to everyone for your consideration and please be your most well. ♥️
https://www.facebook.com/donate/1547523055579788/?fundraiser_source=external_url
Finding Discovery! Reclaiming Play!
Little Maxwell was having a blast.
We were walking to my mother’s home just the net street over after two weeks of zero contact. Both of us were practically frothing to see our family.
We were all so close. ‘The Maxwell Clan’, as a college history professor had joked during roll call when my mum, sister, and I all shared his class together. My family was so accustomed to seeing one another regularly. It was completely normal to get surprise visits and drop ins just to hang out or say hello or even to just bring some treat or another by. Simply because we had been thinking about them.
We loved one another completely and the quarantines had been wearing on us all. Little Maxwell was over the moon to see her Nana but that fact certainly didn’t stop her from taking her sweet. freaking. time getting there. She stopped for every little flower or ditch. Every blade of grass.
My patience had worn rapidly thin.
‘But why?’ I thought suddenly, ‘Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I getting aggravated right now?’
It wasn’t as if we were on a time crunch or had anywhere in particular to be. There were no appointments this afternoon and no particular rush to get back home. The day was our oyster, so why? It took me only a moment or two of quiet contemplation, watching my daughter slide down the side of a driveway embankment as if she were on the jungle gym, before the answer started to reveal itself to me.
Our motivations as children and adults are inherently different.
As a child, we are simply along for the journey, taking the world as it comes. They are in the passenger seat of the car, watching and enjoying the beautiful scenery as it goes by rather than the driver, having to navigate the twisting and often treacherous road ahead.
As grown-ups were so focused on the end goal. Getting from one place to the next, doing what we needs to be done and completely the task so we can move on to the next, then the next, in perpetuity.
But she embraces the adventure of the journey. Step-stepping back and forth across the ditch and stopping to pick wildflowers and interesting rocks, little finds that may or may not make it back into the house with us. To stop as I pointed out the sneaky poison ivy and observing it’s almost hand-shaped leaves. Little light up tennis shoes sparked with every jump and determined step as she danced and explored the road ahead.
Her little face lights up with every new discovery and challenge undertaken. When had we as adults lost that? At what point in life did we stop jumping into challenges or reaching out towards discovery with all of the curiosity of a puppy in a pet store? When had we compressed our spirits? Tucked in the edges of ourselves and made ourselves smaller, more dense as a result?
And who had we done it for?
Sometimes we get low,
Sometimes we get down,
There are nights when I just
Want to lay on the ground.
And not get back up,
The thought makes me sick
When I think of all the things
I’d miss out on if I did.
We all reach a point
Where the fight gets old
And it’s hard to hang onto
Those things you have and hold
Like where’s my point North
The direction that I head?
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m not wishing I was-
Well, you get the idea
But as the battles wear on,
At times, I look down
At the ground that I’m upon,
And wish that I could sleep
For just a thousand years or so
To rest and to dream
To sleep and to slow
All of the stresses
That impresses
Upon my mind,
They need addressing
It’s relentless,
All this pressure,
Quarantined
With too much leisure.
With all the doubts news spitting out
People screwing up their thoughts
Breathing in the “truths”,
Smog from clickbait bots
Until there are so many fears
To clammer in your brain
Media voices in your head
Pouring down like acid rain.
Eroding holes
Into the hearts of Man,
Wearing away our foundations
Breaking them down to just sand.
Seeing my own eroding curiosity mirrored back in opposite brought a sort of sickened realization and, in response, a determination. I never wanted to lose my love of learning, of discovery, exploration, of play.
Giving her a grin, I whistled over to her. Those beloved ocean eyes turned on me with an ansering smile.
“Race you!”
With Peace and Passion (and every growing curiosity!)
Ta!
COVID-19: Ask Not What You Can Do But What We Can Do
In all of the turmoil, fear, and uncertainty, we are all facing some of our darkest days. Information is rampant and widespread, much of it helpful and some of it, unfortunately, not.
However, that’s actually not what I want to talk about today. Today, I don’t want to talk about what we need to do to keep ourselves safe and healthy no matter what the circumstance comes to. I want to talk about what we can do for each other. Obviously, I’m not saying going door-to-door. What I mean is, what we can do for each other here in this online space.
Something I hadn’t heard of yet was a support group for those not just affected by the COVID/Corona virus but for everyone. Everyone who’s dealing with this fear and uncertainty about what tomorrow might bring. I want to establish a place where anyone and everyone is free to go and talk about what their experience is. What they’re afraid of, what they’re dealing with and also a place that we can go to share this time with others and share support with our fellow human beings.
No matter where you’re from, what borders exist between us, or other lines that we may draw between people and places.
So, here on Little Journeys Everywhere, it’s my mission to create a place where all of this can come together. Where all of us can come together. Because right now, the situation is such that we need each other now more than ever before. We need to support, understand, and share with each other more than ever before, possibly in our history.
It’s my prayer that this sort of support group will help many of us, my own family included, get through the heartache, loneliness, depression, and isolation that can come from illness, distance, and quarantine. So we are going to be launching a social media network support system just for you so that we can all come to the other side of this together.
There is another side to this and we will get there.
Have no doubt about that.
Come join us as we launch the Before The Dawn: A Corona Virus Support Group and leave your stories, testimonials, or words of hope, comfort, and support. It will also be a place where we can put resources and stories of hope for those who need them. Before the Dawn is a community that will be open to all, unmonetized, free of politics, fingerpointing, or bullying. It will be a place that, despite quarantines or borders, everyone can come together no matter your level of affectedness.
I implore those of you who have counseling training or experience to reach out and offer your aid whether it is in Before the Dawn or anywhere else!
Before the Dawn will be on Facebook, Tumblr, and Instagram, and will be linked on our Little Journeys pages. Look for those in the next 24 to 48 hours. The Facebook page can already be found here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/539367610029409/ .
Here on the blog main, I will also be posting ways for you and your families (especially our poor kids) to get through times of quarantine as well as other resources to offer all of us hope and just a little bit of security until we can reach that other side.
But until then, let me leave with this:
With Peace and Hope,
Ta!
Our New Daily Routine!
Hello everyone! As we all know, at certain points in our journeys we often try out new things. Here at the Maxwell home, we’re trying out a new daily routine! We’re always looking for ways to improve upon our health, whether physical or mental, especially with my medical issues the way they are. So, in order to improve upon some things, we’ve started a new daily routine and I wanted to share it with you today.
Routines are especially important for anyone who may be neuro-atypical and both myself and Little Maxwell fall into this category. Even if you don’t, though, just be aware that any change in their usual routine can be pretty difficult for children. Hell, it can be rattling even for many adults! With that in mind, remember to be kind and patient not just with your children but with yourself. None of us are perfect and a routine only becomes a routine after we keep at it!
Another thing to keep in mind is not to be so strict about your routine that there is no room for deviations when necessary. For example, on Daddy Maxwell’s days off, we do our errand running and take our tiny overlord to a few places where she can play with other kids. We usually go to visit her Nana just for the hell of it, at least once, if not her aunts and uncle as well. Remember to make time for close family time too. As I type this, Little and Daddy Maxwell are in our bed having some quiet snuggle time together. Those are the moments that are the most important throughout our days!
With those things out of the way, this is our new daily routine!
Anywhere between 7:30-8 a.m I wake up to spend time with Daddy Maxwell.
I do stretches to get my muscles woken up and work out the stiffness from the night, then my morning regimen of medication with water. After I have water, then I can finally have that sweet, sweet dark roasted ambrosia of the gods. Almond milk, no sugar.
During the time before 9 a.m., I usually write, clean, or game for a little while.
Little Maxwell gets a 9 a.m. wake-up call and she’s allowed to watch her shows or play games on her Leappad (never both at once, though.) until lunchtime.
She gets to pick out what she has for lunch (with mama’s veto if what she wants is, say, gummies) and help with food prep sometimes make it herself with supervision. Afterwards, she helps clean up as well.
After lunch, we take a walk when health permits or have outside play. This is when we’ll usually do Nature School time during the colder months. Usually in the warmer part of the year, we have Nature School before lunch when it’s cooler.
Around 3 o’clock or so, Little Maxwell has Quiet Time when she spends some time on her own either playing quietly or taking a nap but she has the choice of the two. Usually she doesn’t need a nap but sometimes we’ve had a long day. During Quiet Time, I am typically found in the office at my desk or tidying up around the house. This is when I’ll fit in some meditation or yoga.
It’s over at about 5 p.m. but Little Maxwell likes for us to light candles in the interim when the sun starts to go down for “Comfy, Cozy Time”, as she calls it. I’m not sure why it started but it’s become a really nice tradition in our home and the candlelight really does make dinner a more soothing, intimate affair. Besides, it’s good for the electric bill and the environment!
Around six, we do dinner prep and eat together at the table. Dinnertimes are family time for us so we spend it talking about our days and work, even what we saw and learned!
At nine, we feed our pets, I take the last of my medications for the day, and then we head to bed. Oftentimes, once in bed, we do a coloring page together as a nice sort of togetherness moment before sleep. Of course, as any parent knows, a toddler doesn’t just go to bed. It usually takes a whole election season before she actually falls asleep.
At least it feels that way.
That’s when I typically go to sleep as well.
And that’s our routine!
Give or take a few mishaps here and there of course! Even the perfect day doesn’t run on a perfect schedule, as we know. This is the one that works best for us right now but if it doesn’t, then we adjust and keep moving on towards our most passionate, healthy selves. That’s what you should strive for when setting your own daily routine. Is it healthy? Does it leave time for relaxation and down time? Does it take cues and make concessions for you and your child’s development? Or for quality time between you and your partner?
Just remember that you and your child are individuals and each routine has to be unique to you and your family!
With Peace and Passion!
Ta! ❤
More Snapshots From A Day In The Unschooling Life
Hello all of our journeyers! Today, we’re bringing you more snapshots from our unschooling days! Just a few snippets from the things we’ve done over the past month. I hope you enjoy them and you’re able to get some ideas for yourself and your own family’s journey from these little pieces of our days! Enjoy!
Little Maxwell has become intrigued by words in books lately and she said she wanted to do school things this day. We went to her easel and worked on a letter of her choice: the letter K!
This was a very cool gift for Christmas from her Nana. It’s a blank puzzle that you can color or decorate however. Then you have a personalized puzzle! A perfect gift for the kid who adores a good jigsaw puzzle. These can be found online but this one in particular was actually found in the craft section of Target!
We can’t forget fun with friends! Little Maxwell has plenty of playmates in her cousins and friends. Seriously whoever believes that home educated kids aren’t ‘socialized’ has clearly never home schooled one. These kids will talk to anybody and make friends in any age group!
It’s never too early to start teaching them life skills. Even small things like helping do chores around the house. Young children especially love this because they love doing anything that they see you doing and that makes them feel ‘big’.
On our hanging map of the US, we’ve been going through slowly and adding the cities and towns of the people that we know who live in other states. It’s a great way to introduce some basic geography to kids that they can make a connection to that is relevant to them at this age.
This day we took recycled cans and turned them into seedling planters! Little Maxwell put polka dots on hers.
Little Maxwell decided she wanted to build the creation on the front of her magnetile box one day. Since some of the magnet tiles have been a little scattered around the house by now, we got as close as we were able. She was so proud!
It’s my hope that some of these might inspire you in your own journey, so please let us know in the comments if they do!
With Peace and Passion!
Ta!
Fleshing Out Your P.A.R.E.N.T. Plan!
Hello my fellow wanderers, explorers, and Journeyers!
Today is a sort of follow-up to my piece on the amazing book titled The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl. The book centers around the idea that the hidden secret that makes the Danes the happiest people in the world (evaluated by two independent international studies) for the last 40 years almost in a row, actually lies in the way they bring up their children.
As human beings, we tend to stick with what we know and that proves especially true in how we parent. We tend to default to raising our kids the way we were raised. The book address is this first and foremost and gives us the task of “evaluating our default settings”.
However, the rest of the Danish Way of Parenting urges us to stop parenting and start P.A.R.E.N.T.ing. What the hell does that mean? Allow me explain it to you and while I do I’ll give you my P.A.R.E.N.T. Plan so you can have a good example for how to build and frame your own!
P.A.R.E.N.T. stands for:
*Play
*Authenticity
*Reframing
*Empathy
*No ultimatums/fear-based
*Togetherness and Hygge
That all sounds excellent and wonderful but what does it all mean in practice? Well hang on to your diaper bags and hydroflasks because I am going to walk you through what each of these terms means and then what it looks like in our home. Maybe you can find something in these that you may want to emulate or use for your own household! Let’s begin!
P means to PLAY!
That’s right! Play! That sounds so disastrously simple, doesn’t it? I have news for you then, dear parent. It is!
Get down on the ground, on their level! Meet them as an equal in play! This helps kids to feel more secure. Can you imagine being so small and to have this other human, one who holds so much power over you, just towering over you every time they talk or order or shout? Play should be entirely free of stress or power plays. Get down on their level. If they’re doing a puzzle, sit on the floor and do it too. Coloring at the kids table? Pull up a little kid-sized chair and channel your inner artiste! And you know what? That’s exactly what we do too!
Little Mawell’s favorite things that we do together:
*Dollhouse/Toy figure imaginative play
*Hide and Seek
*Painting or crafting
*Digging in the dirt, “excavating for dinosaur bones” as she calls it.
A is all about Authenticity
This point is referring to honesty with our children. Honesty also includes not giving false praise. For example, say that your small child makes you a sculpture that looks less like anything recognizable and more like someone crafted the 3-D bastard lovechild of a Picasso and a Salvador Dalí. Instead of grinning through your teeth and giving an obligatory “It’s a masterpiece! I love it!”, chose an interested “I see you worked really hard on that sculpture! Why don’t you tell me about it?” or “Oh, I see you added in some beads with the clay! That’s a very popular art method called ‘mixed media’!”.
Honesty can be hard with our children. We want to protect them from all things that may make them sad or confused. But it’s being exposed to these things that gives them the chance to learn how to cope with them. Nothing demonstrates this more than explaining a family death to a child. With Little Maxwell, when my grandmother and when a family dog died, we explained to her that when people and animals get old, then it comes their time to die.
Everything has its season. Flowers, weather, toys, even people. Everything breaks down, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t keep those people we love in our lives. We put little clay figures we made and pictures of those we loved up on our pantry-top and give them places with us during holidays. Little Maxwell even tells them about her day sometimes.
R is for REFRAMING.
Reframing is a term that means changing the way you look at a problem or misfortune to see it in a positive light. This can be really easy to do in every part of your life!
*Raining when they wanted to play outside? Have a board game tournament or jump in mud puddles!
*Dropped the birthday cake? Salvage what you can and make birthday cake shakes with the ice cream!
*Friends can’t come to visit? We can still hang out over a phone call, online, or spend some extra special hygge time with our family instead!
*Money was stolen? Then maybe it went to someone who needed it so much more at that time. After all, we are so use to the many blessings we have every day that it’s easy to forget that many people end up driven by desperation just to feed themselves or their families. Try to think of it that way instead, something I’ve done before too!
Read more about reframing here: http://feelhappiness.com/reframing-your-thoughts-make-yourself-happier/
E is for EMPATHY!
Going back to that last example, we could all admit that we could use a little more empathy in life. Not just for strangers, but for our own children and loved ones. For ourselves too, perhaps. I know that I’m guilty of getting irritable or tired and then just not giving a damn about anything else until I can get some desperately needed rest or quiet.
When I’m that tired, something that happens a little more often than I will admit, I can be quick to irritation, sickness, pain, and thinking less kindly of others than they deserve. Can you say the same or something similar? Are you in a position that it makes it hard to see the good in the world anymore?
It’s okay. You’re not alone.
It makes us feel…ashamed. Guilty. That’s another emotional stress that presses down on the internal pressures you may already be under. It perpetuates the cycle. The best way to end that cycle?
Empathy.
Have empathy for others and for yourself. Even if you don’t feel that you or they deserve it. After all, empathizing with others isn’t about being deserving or having done something to earn it. It’s about not having earned it at all but being able to give and receive it anyways.
N is for No Ultimatums/Fear-Based Discipline
If you, like me, were raised with a no-nonsense, ‘My-Way-or-the-Highway’, ‘Because-I-Said-So’ approach to parenting, then it’s likely that’s what you started out with while raising your own children. It’s our default setting after all. It’s what we were raised with so it’s how we know to do things. That’s not saying that our parents were abusive or cruel, it’s just that those were also likely their default settings too.
It’s human nature, after all. “Stick to what you know”, as the saying goes. But just because that’s what we know, doesn’t mean that those authoritarian practices are what we HAVE to stick to.
The important thing to do, regardless of your views on spanking or timeouts, is to allow them to be heard and understood. They need to feel that they have a voice in their life and home and that you are willing to listen to them, not just hear them talk.
Choose to find out, to ask them, why they behaved a certain way. You may find out, like me, that your little is so crazy before bed because they are trying to stave off sleep for as long as possible. Why? Because they’ve been having nightmares and are afraid to fall asleep. Instead of spanking or isolating them from you or others for a very real and understandable fear, a good approach would be to spend soe quality snuggle time before they go to sleep. Perhaps a security item or a nightlight or checking under the bed before sleep to put them at ease.
These are simple things that can not only increase your bond with your child but lessen blood pressure, stress, and bedtime battles! I know it does for us because we use these exactly same examples just last night!
Now if I could only find out where she saw a ‘scary policeman’…
I implore you to read this section of the Danish Way of Parenting, even go on the website for more information if anything. I believe that in our American culture, this concept is the hardest for us to incorporate. It is difficult. But isn’t the whole point of it all that giving our kids a better outlook on life, preparing them emotionally and intellectually, is the whole point?
T is for Togetherness!
Tender and loving and comfortable. Togetherness feeds the bond that you share with your entire family, your partners, and your friends. A plant cannot grow without sunlight and a relationship, no matter who it’s with, cannot grow without connection time.
A word used freely in the Danish Way of Parenting, for very good reason, is hygge, pronounced ‘hoo-gah’. Hygge may be an unfamiliar term to many of you but it’s a Danish word that translates loosely into “cozy togetherness with loved ones”.
It’s the feeling you get when it’s a snowy day out and you’re snuggled up on the couch with your sweetie, a warm gooey chocolate chip in hand and a bright glow in your chest. Inspiring. Beautiful. It’s living and loving in the moment, being present with the ones you care for.
The main way you can do this, is by spending time together! No together equals no hygge. Even if you aren’t necessarily doing the same thing, you can still have togetherness.
Boardgames, puzzles, or video games together. Candles lit while you watch a movie with your favorite snuggle buddy. Reading time with your little. Trying to make a new recipe together, the whole family contributing an ingredient one at a time and then tasting it after a cozy dinner all together at the table.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I used the word ‘together’ lately!
So that is the P.A.R.E.N.T. Plan that I’ve been using! I hope that it could bring a few ideas into your own practices with your children. Once again, I would highly, highly suggest reading this book if you haven’t already! It’s my favorite of all of the books I’ve read on parenting, period, and that is making quite the statement! Also don’t forget to drop us a follow and share Little Journeys Everywhere! A follow will let you know when our next post drops so you never have to miss a single post!
With Peace and Passion!
Ta!
The Danish Way of Parenting: My Take-Away!
Hello, Journeyers! So I’ve been meaning to do this book review for some time. I’ve waited this long, not because I don’t like the book, but because I love this book. I wanted to make sure I was going to be able to do it justice. But at last I am here to bring you my take-aways from The Danish Way of Parenting!
I first heard about this book from one of my favorite YouTube channels, The Parenting Junkie. Seriously, check that out because Avital is such an amazing woman and she brings so much to the parenting community by way of education and advice. She even does live streams where you can ask questions about your own child-centered woes. Avital often references books and papers that offer more information on the topic at hand and she did just that in one of her multiple videos on alternative, peaceful parenting (playlist found here).
The Danish Way of Parenting is written by the amazing Jessica Alexander, wife of a Dane and psychologist/cultural researcher, and Iben Dissing Sandahl, a Dane herself as well as an internationally celebrated public speaker. Both women are mothers themselves using the Danish Way that they are now pioneers of. The book is published by TarcherPerigee, subsidiary of Penguin Random House, and had its debut on December 17th 2014, enjoying multiple editions since.
In it, the authors explain what it is that makes the Danish stand out and be named as the happiest people in the world (for almost 40 years in a row!) by the Organisation for
Economic Co-operation and Development.
What makes the Danish so different? Do they have less problems? Fewer fears and aggravations? No! According to Alexander and Sandahl, it lies in the way that the Danes parent their children.
Sound odd? Think about it this way. We as humans are creatures of habit and tend to stick to what we know when it comes to parenting our own kids.
Ever heard someone say (or thought yourself), “Well I turned out alright!”?
People usually tend to parent the way they were parented because it’s what they know. The Danish are no exception!
Their parenting style is passed down to their children, and their kids’ kids, and so on to successive generations. In the words of the authors themselves, “resilient, emotionally secure, happy kids who turn into resilient, emotionally secure, happy adults who then repeat this powerful parenting style with their own kids. The legacy repeats itself, and we get a society that tops the happiness charts for more than forty years in a row.”
So what is it that the Danes do differently? The authors sum it up into one helpful device: PARENT.
Play– Why free play creates happier, better adjusted, more resilient adults.
Authenticity– Why honesty creates a stronger sense of self. How praise can be used to form a growth mind-set rather than a fixed mind-set, making your children more resilient.
Reframing– Why reframing can change you and your children’s lives for the better.
Empathy– Why understanding, incorporating, and teaching empathy are fundamental in creating happier children and adults.
No Ultimatums– Why avoiding power struggles and using a more democratic parenting approach fosters trust, resilience, and happier kids.
Togetherness and Hygge (Coziness)– Why a strong social network is one of the most important factors in our overall happiness. How creating hygge (coziness) can help us give this powerful gift to our children.
The book dives deep into each of these points, dedicating a chapter to each concept. Even as I read on, I couldn’t help but be pulled in with interest as the women gave examples of the Danish Way and easy to follow ways that you could implement for your own family!
For us in the Maxwell household, it has taken a heaping spoonful of patience, love, communication, and relearning what it means to engage with our child and really listen so that Little Maxwell feels heard. Already though, we are seeing a change in her behavior and a drastic difference in the stress and anger levels that come with having a three-year old overlord to appease.
So do I like this book enough to recommend it to you?
Abso- freaking- lutely.
Is it the easiest way to parent?
No, but while it may not be the easiest I heartily believe that it is one of the best ways to lead your family and your children to a happier, more compassionate, secure future.
Taking the road of peaceful parenting like the Danish Way is not easy. It involves finding more compassionate solutions to problems rather than the fear-based discipline. It eschews the threat/bribery method of taking away privileges and behavior charts.
We hail from a culture where not using punishments, whether physical or otherwise, to discipline our kids is frowned upon and sneered at. I’d know. I have faced down other people’s opinions on our parenting style multiple times. All of the raised eyebrows and “helpful” advice. So the Danish Way of Parenting is alternative to say the least. But if you feel called to try the Peaceful Parenting method, then I would tell you to pick up a copy of this book asap. Consider taking the Hygge Oath too!
If I could give this book a 1 out of 5 review, I would give it a solid 10. Give it a try! Even if the Danish Way isn’t for you, at the least you’ll walk away from it a little more aware of your own default settings and how they reflect on your own parenting style.
With Peace and Passion.
Ta! ❤
Learn more and engage with other peaceful parents at http://thedanishway.com/ ! Also find them on FB and Twitter.
The Parenting Junkie: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLw9LEJWki6BqskujFibzA4Swhih9rUYno
Little Journeys Everywhere 